I am 31 years old (at least for 2½ more weeks!) and single. I have held a job for over half my life. I have lived on my own, by myself, for 7 years (until last year, at least). I have always been strong-willed and independent. And I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing.
But because I am independent by nature, it is very difficult for me to step back and let others do. It is difficult for me to allow myself to be needy. I’m so used to being the capable, confident one that when I’m not, it sort of shakes my identity. So for me to spend more than two weeks living in very primitive conditions, being so far away from where I’m comfortable and confident was tough. Wait, “tough” is an understatement. It was downright impossible.
But what I found during my time in the “wilderness” is that I needed to be uncomfortable. I needed to question myself. I needed to be forced to do things I knew I couldn’t. I needed to be pushed into tasks and situations where I was incapable, because in my inability, I saw just how big and faithful God is. Over the past 15 days, I have had to depend on God in ways I never had before, because I knew that I couldn’t make it on my own. I knew that, in my own strength, I was not strong enough. And I found amazing strength and freedom in being able to depend on God. I saw that I didn’t have to fear the next step in front of me or wonder how I would be able to do it; I could trust God for the grace and the ability to do whatever it was.
And I found that, when I dared to depend on Him, and not myself, I didn’t have to stress or worry. I knew that He would get me through it, whether it was sleeping with roaches, eating lots of nshima, or using the squatty potty over and over and over. And that is a great place to live.
“…Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
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